Thursday, August 16, 2007

Share a tit, the big B arrives

I can already sense the excitement. Hold on! Mr. Lilly and Mr. Scum will pale in comparison, for the lady with the ever expanding big B (Bum and Belly) is a class apart. She is round, dark and ugly. If bad karma has to take an ominous human shape, it has to be the one and only big B. Her day begins with ‘doom for office colleagues’ yagna conducted at the most protected garbage yard in the city, which is home to dead pigs, dogs, human beings and human shit. She performs the puja in nude and all her wishes are granted in a jiffy. Even the dead want to escape from her evil spell and the smell emanating from all parts of her body.
Her expertise lies in breaking affairs (last heard, she got a divorce for her housemaid because her husband refused to have sex with the big B). Now, the poor guy has to make out with big B. This is just the tip of the ice berg of her roaring sex life. She can handle men of all class with √©lan. A professional in matters of marital affairs (of others), she eats, sleeps and breathes sex. In fact, her part-time job is to counsel office colleagues (whose sex lives are already fucked up) on how to get fucked in the most interesting way. The reasons for this behaviour are varied. She is separated from her partner by miles. Earlier, she used to visit him in the nights, now I guess he is having a loyal partner and prefers the big B to stay out of their way. Size doesn’t matter to him. He is happy with small Bs.
Battered by this sudden turn of events and betrayal from her puppet husband, who always played a silent spectator to her outdoor adventures on sex, she slipped into a state of depression. Locals recall how she walked about the streets nude, howling and throwing abuses at her husband. Counselling sessions with popular sexologists in the city and exposure to porn videos helped her regain her senses. And, thus began her journey of extra-marital enjoyment. There was no looking back.
Now, I shall tell you some simple steps on how to get a glimpse of the big Bs. Huddle in a group and throw the keywords...sex, sex, sex. For starters, may be something like how people have sex in a swimming pool? Do women use condoms? The choice is yours. Now, sharpen your ear drums and there it arrives like a thud: "You know, it is so nice to have sex in water. You don’t even need to take any protection. Last time, I tried a combination of hot parathas and cool sex with a young guy, it is ecstatic. No one has done it before, you know..." The big B is here.
Her bulbous eyes would instantly launch a thousand people into a delirious state of nausea, aggressive behaviour (like throwing chappals, acid bottle or even a bucket of shit) and that dark and ugly mouth ready to fall off at any moment has an incredible capacity to wolf down mountains of shit, but strictly vegetarian!
As she walks about the corridors of the office, with that bouncy pony tail (wonder when was the last time it got a nice wash), a nauseating stench fills the air. She has valid reason too. Because of the nude yagna commitment everyday, she has no time to spare and as a policy bathes once in five years. So, pardon her.
The other source of smell could be from the stinking parathas, which she neatly wraps and carries it in her smelly bag, to thrust it down the throat of any newcomer to the office. It is a tough battle to win for the new girls, as their physical attributes are minimal when compared with the ever expanding parts of her body. They suffer from high fever, anorexia and a sense of constant fear when they are exposed to the big Bs.
The best part of her bulging physique is the mammoth, monstrous Belly. She fills it everyday with shit, human blood and garbage. Her neighbourhood is where the entire city dumps their wastes of every kind, from the kitchen, from the toilets...and what more people even throng the place at dawn to unload their stomach. Anything that is free and edible finds its way directly to that container called big B and that explains the secret of the shape. (On the enormous size of the other B, I’d like to leave it to my fellow paparazzis. The subject is worth a detailed research. We should bring it up in one of our brain storming sessions. May be we’ll need to get someone to stalk her toilet habits and her notorious night outs and we’ll have the answer. It’s worth it!)
Another interesting facet of her personality is that she is the know-all of this fool’s paradise (synonym for office). Even if a cat has delivered kittens near your house, she must have handled the labour. And she will have an interesting tale of how she sobbed when she saw the cat in pain and how she rushed to feed the kittens with her breast milk.
Her fan following is immense. Age no bar; the only qualification is you need to be from the opposite sex, potent and willing to go that extra mile for sex. The innovative you get, the chances of getting up close and personal with the big Bs are more.
No wonder, our ‘fatso’ of the paradise with fucked up looks tops the list. He takes her to those places far away from the madding crowd, inside the deep jungles and has sex in harmony with Nature. He spends time poring over his rich collection of erotic books on how to bring the wow factor in sex life, the role of dark women in sex and more. He gives such a terrible complex to other members in the club. They are conspiring to drop a bomb when he is having sex with his wife.
The big B is also planning to include people of the same sex in her club as her bum chum partner; an activist in the making is starved of sex because of her abnormal behaviour. She argues that sex is enjoyable only when the partner wears vegetarian condoms. The big B is working on it.
(to be continued… other facets of the big B will be uncovered one by one. I would request my fellow paparazzis to join me in this endeavour. I am sure the big Bs have touched their lives too in many disgusting ways)

3 comments:

pissed off paparazzi said...

Simply superb....u made my day. a real "Stress Buster" :D
- the shoddy sub-editor.

Anonymous said...

Hahaha!
Excellent, my dear friend. Anyone who knows The BIg B will testify to this! thoroughly enjoyable.

--a--

pissed off paparazzi said...

Lots of revelations. enlightened.