Monday, November 19, 2007

'Do not put my chastity at stake'

A seemingly harmless absolutely avoidable humanoid form in this organisation has raised alarm among the womenfolk (at least a couple of them) with his sudden atypical behaviour.
The creature in question is puny, balding and emits sounds akin to a factory siren having a bad day, when excited. However, the sudden change in this creature's demeanour has reinforced the ultimate truth ruling this place -- perversion!
He has been showing signs of utmost sexual deprivation lately. Sources say that he has been carrying extra bundles of the holy ash in his bag to keep the surging hormones in check. Looks like the expansive lines the holy ash on his forehead is not helping him.
Attempts at touching and staring at women colleagues in pathetically perverse ways have forced some of them to hide their physical assests under layers and layers of thick clothing.
This perverted humanoid form plans his moves with the expertise of a veteran rapist. Having already created an image of being a GOD-fearing, overtly religious, vegetarian woman-hater, he makes them (women) believe he is sexless. "I cannot give you a lift on my bike as I am a virgin and will die one. Do not put my chastity at stake," he said to one of the vehicle-less woman reporters who was stranded at an assignment once without knowing how to get back.
Duped by his anti-female stand, some women here worship him as a reincarnation of Lord Hanuman.
He is currently undergoing coaching under the uncrowned king of photography, the fatso, to learn the art of licking lips when aroused and focussing on cleavages and belly buttons. Good luck to them both.

Friday, November 16, 2007

Dilbert Principle

Folks.. I found out that there is ACTUALLY a theory that could explain the insane condition that prevails in this sacred organisation. It called the Dilbert Principle - here’s the extract from wikipedia: — 'The Dilbert Principle refers to a 1990s satirical observation stating that companies tend to systematically promote their least-competent employees to management (generally middle management), in order to limit the amount of damage that they're capable of doing.
The term was coined by Scott Adams, an MBA graduate from U.C. Berkeley and creator of the Dilbert comic strip. Adams explained the principle in a 1995 Wall Street Journal article. Adams then expanded his study of the Dilbert Principle in a satirical 1996 book of the same name, which is required or recommended reading at some management and business programs.[1][2][3][4][5] In the book, Adams writes that, in terms of effectiveness, use of the Dilbert Principle is akin to a band of gorillas choosing an alpha-squirrel to lead them. The book has sold more than a million copies and was on the New York Times bestseller list for 43 weeks..'
Now I know why the dear Mr. Oxford thinks and actively promotes the idea that the 1 foot tall, camel-faced, egocentric Lilly [ whose reports literally resembles splattered shit of someone having acute dysentery smeared meticulously across the columns in the newspaper] is the embodiment of the ultimate , hard-core , talented and successful journalist ! and the snorting, screeching Pig is the God of English grammar, the ball-scratching , ass-licking Scum ,the smartest editor [ I recently discovered that he has one large hole in his pocket, not the metaphoric hole, but a real, actual hole so that he can reach up to his balls and scratch it nice and proper] , the snivelling , cackling gloomy spinster [ her reports remind me of my 8th standard economics text book] – the pinnacle of perfect reporting, the ice maiden { with her typical I-have-rotten-bananas-stuck-up-my-ass look remember? ] yet another brilliant reporter [ her reports are like pieces of dry shit strung together across the page] … and many so many, jus so that this newspaper doesnt end up as a mere paragraph in any ‘History of Journalism’ text book , but go on being the voice of the voiceless. And also for all those nose picking , ass licking sacred threads to write endless inspiring articles on how you can make your life more wretched by becoming vegetarian, the advantage of having sex at old age ( Maria Bonita Gonzalez was 80 years old when she had sex for the first time, she had been holding back so long, it all came out in one whoosh and she had a baby the next day. The happy mommy and the miracle baby pose for a photograph taken by our luminous photographer Mr. Fatso …. – this is how that article went ), on the advantage of buying second hand stuff ( Here is how the article went : Last week Madhumitha Nagarjuna Muthuswamyiyer bought a second hand refrigerator, after bringing it home she was thrilled to find out that it still contained left over food which was only slightly mouldy and to her delight pure vegetarian too !. Her ecstatic husband and two adorable children had a hearty meal of fungus-speckled thiyir sadam, mouth watering rasam , carrot–spinach lollypop, lemon rice cakes washed down with a bottle of cucumber juice. This has inspired her to buy only second hand goods. Recently she purchased a second hand toilet seat, a kennel and a washing machine… - the rest was too nauseating to be mentioned here.) And innumerable reports on garbage, sewage and drainage problems faced by this pathetic city that seems to fill the entire paper.
And I’m left to wallow and slowly drown bubbling sluggishly in this swamp of shit and goo. And as days go by the number of bubbles struggling to rise and burst on the surface is going down…. Sadly these little globules of inspiration are dying, so is the rebellious spirit to sneer at the ridiculous, hyppocritic, sad lives of the people here. If u come across a pop eyed, perpetually dazed, chronically depressed, slightly unhinged, paranoid woman who is prone to laugh hysterically, and tear her hair or gaze blankly into the distance at the slight mention of anything connected with journalism – well that is me the shoddy sub - editor.
- The Shoddy Sub-Editor