Sunday, August 5, 2007

Personality of the week

He appears as a short, filthy, nose-picking, ball-scratching government clerk with an insatiable interest in other people’s business. But behind this not-at -all deceiving appearance is an equally inspiring personality….
Here, in an exclusive feature, the ace paparazzi – the shoddy sub-editor explores the multi-faceted personality of Mr. Scum, one of the most fascinating persona who has perfected the art of ass-licking and taken it to new levels. The secret of perfect ass-licking, he says is to lick the entire ass thoroughly and if possible the underwear too until it is dripping wet. {He even mentioned the rectum, but that is a debatable question which his numerous admirers having varied opinions}
The most extraordinary trait of this wonderful person is his enviable ability to survive and walk on two legs without even a trace of a spine. Defying all laws of anatomy Mr. Scum manages to live spineless.
Turning to his scrounging talents, he describes his incredible gift to identify and reach on the spot wherever there is food, and to ask for it shamelessly provided that it is given to him free of cost. And the food includes anything from squashed chocolates and stale biscuits to two-week-old rotten bananas, left over milk, and even chewed up bubble gums.
Mr Scum has an aversion for the degraded capitalist, materialist school of thought that the rest of us follow - He can’t bear to spent money. The very thought gives him week-long insomnia. Every time he went out to lunch with his colleagues, he ate his stomach full, but when the bill came, he just got up and left. Of course, how could he indulge in such a degraded practice of spending money on such perishable luxury!! Finally their spirits broken, his colleagues stopped asking him to joining them for lunch. Such is his iron strength and unshakable resolution.
However, he spends his money on the noblest of all causes. [Which almost caused this writer to clutch her hand together, and look upon him with utmost reverence, her eyes welling up with tears of admiration when he described it to her in vivid detail.] He spends all his money on upsetting tons of milk and ghee over the stone figures of his divine protectors placed in temples scattered all over the city. [I suppose they might be enjoying getting drenched in milk and ghee while having to watch this man’s face through out – combined torture??]
Mind-blowing stories of his remarkable children eating cucumber, getting constipation, falling into open drains and smearing snot under the dining table, dominates his conversation. He thinks of nothing else but how his family eats, sleeps and farts.
He loath anything that is out of ordinary – even the if you show the most minute trace of possessing a bit of intelligence, individuality or creativity, he’ll stare at you as if you had just taken off your cloths, painted yourself pink and blue and went dancing in the rain. [ though this writer personally feels that its an interesting thing to do !!]
His photographic memory records every conversation, which he strains to hear and is meticulously repeated with his own interpretation to the ass lickee [i.e. the owner of the ass which he licks, remember employer / employee?? Similarly, ass-licker/ ass-lickee].
His insatiable curiosity to reads our mails and chats, and find out what is in our hand bags, combined with his ability to accept anything [When I mean anything I really mean ANYTHING!! – there are inspirational stores of how he used to take home pens, note pads, used paper cups, crumpled tissues and once even a used torn underwear- (and that explains his perpetual ball-scratching)] makes him the towering example of a perfect ass-licker.
Being a mixture of so many enviable characteristics, Mr. Scum makes his presence felt in the office – like a stagnant malodorous sewage in the middle of the road. You simply cant ignore him- If you don’t see him around, all you have to do is to get the cheapest packet of diet biscuits, any left-over cakes or even those 10ps worth sickly sweet toffees [any thing will do as long as it remotely resembles food] there- he’ll appear before you with the characteristic street-dog-who-was-starving-for–a-month expression on his face, one hand stretched out in front of him, waiting to get at the food . And there - You are in the majestic presence of the inimitable Mr. Scum!!
- the shoddy sub-editor. Copywrited material.


Anonymous said...

This one's par excellence! Got a bad stomach cramp due to excessive laughter !
-- a --

pissed off paparazzi said...

Great yar. How much i wished to give a kick, that he never dare to scratch it again. But I doubt whether he got something like that.

Anonymous said...

what a fascinating character. how i wished to meet him in person and give him such a royal kick that he will forever remember and henceforth forget what to lick and where to lick!

- an ardent admirer of 'pissed off paparazzi'

Anonymous said...

Even I wish I had a chance to meet this wonderful persona who could be such a source of inspiration for such a wonderful writing. It shows how much pissed off someone can make others.